Chronically Pregnant – Week 35

Ah yes, nothing like a little preterm labor whilst trying to enjoy a family dinner! I’d been having steady contractions for 2 hours before this lovely photo was taken but I was certain that they were just Braxton Hicks. My honey and I went on to dinner with my two sisters and Mom only to have my contractions get much stronger throughout dinner. Leave it to me to somehow make myself the center of attention and my Mom’s Mothers Day dinner! Good Grief! We headed to the hospital shortly after paying the bill, but not before my two sisters had a little SnapChat fun. (These girls always keep me laughing!)

We were in another city when I when all of this happened so we went to the closest Emergency Room and I was taken right up to labor and delivery. While there, the doctors ran some tests and gave me meds to stop the contractions, and the meds worked. Something else happened while we were there too. You see, this was the hospital I originally wanted to deliver at but I wasn’t able to get a consult with the anesthesia team until right before my due date. Since we weren’t sure if I’d be delivering that night, guess who we got to meet with for a consult? Much to our surprise, the anesthesia team had a much more relaxed idea about my labor and delivery options. They are a level 3 NICU hospital and deal with high risk pregnancies on the regular so when I told them about having Transverse Myelitis, they barely batted an eye. After a short team meeting, the anesthetists told me that if I wanted to have an epidural, it was just fine with them. There are risks no matter what option I went with due to my medical condition, so they told me I should get to make the decision myself. Fast forward to the next day, I’m back home on bedrest and we have made an official venue change. There are no guarantees of course. I could labor too fast to get an epidural and have to go with nothing. I could still need a C-section, but I have what I’ve desired from the beginning, the power to choose.

We have decided to cancel the scheduled C-Section and let nature run it’s course. My hope is to have an epidural and a vaginal delivery of Baby Jax. Our little escapade that landed us at the hospital ended up being a Blessing in disguise and, in my heart, I knew that our decision to go this route was the best option for us.

Here are a few thoughts I have looking back at my labor and delivery options:

1. Although getting a second opinion proved to be difficult for us, if you are unhappy or unsure about the options you’re being given about you labor and delivery, definitely seek out another opinion. I absolutely love my current OB, and even the anesthesia team he works with are really great, but the bottom line is that the hospital was not really equipped to handle such a high risk case as my own. My options had to be limited to the confines of what that particular hospital could handle, which was a controlled C-Section under general anesthesia. As much as I wish my current OB doctor could deliver our baby, I’m so thankful that I was able to consult with another hospital.
2. Do your research and stick to your guns. There’s probably little doubt that any OB doctor has more knowledge of your super rare disease than you do. Even though the coalition for TM actually recommends an epidural for a number of reasons, I just couldn’t seem to get anyone to understand until I talked to the very flexible anesthesia team and the new hospital
3. I’ve known in my heart from the get-go that having a C-section under general anesthesia was not the right option for me. That’s not to say it won’t end up happening anyways but my gut just told me this wasn’t the way to go for me. Trust your heart and your gut. We really do have way more control over our health and treatment options than we realize. Just because a doctor gives XYZ recommendation or prescribes XYZ medication, doesn’t mean it’s always the best option. There are medications and treatments I refuse to take or take part in and it’s 100% my rightful option to say “No” or “I think there’s a better way. I’m not comfortable with this.”  It’s yours too!

Chronically Pregnant – Week 34

Let’s just chat about weight gain and self-doubt for a moment shall we? I’ve struggled with how much weight I’ve gained in the pregnancy pretty hard core. After losing 45 pounds just before getting pregnant, gaining over 50 pounds in this pregnancy has been tough. I know, I know, I’m pregnant and I shouldn’t stress or be all full of myself (rolls eyes). But the bottom line here is, I’ve gained more weight in this pregnancy than with any of my previous pregnancies… like WAY more.

This is the first pregnancy I’ve had since being diagnosed with Transverse Myelitis in 2014. With my other pregnancies, I was very active right up until delivery day. This pregnancy has been different. With my mobility very limited, it’s been difficult to get exercise of any kind into my routine, unless you count the number of time I waddle from my bed to the bathroom a day. Already dealing with insecurities and guilt over what I’m not able to do anymore, gaining a bunch of weight just plays into the ugly picture of self-doubt. I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit feeling sorry for myself and wishing I was healthier for my family. I’ve even had dips of depression all stemming from feeling like I’m not good enough and that I’m not pulling my weight (no pun intended) as a mom, caretaker of the home, and partner. I’ve been stuck in bed for the latter half of my pregnancy and rely heavily on my friends and family to help me with daily living.

See the man in that picture up there? He’s been my rock and has been so patient through my tears, frustrations, and depression. You’d think having a super strong net of support would be more than enough to keep me from the blues but our worst enemy lives within the confines of our minds. It’s my mind that’s breaking me, planting seeds of self disapproval. I write this for the women that have been there, or who are there now. You’re not alone. As positive as I try to be, sometimes I’m just not able to be Captain Sunshine (my whole family can attest to that). My eight year old refers to it as, “Mom’s having one of her pregnancy moments.” Well, that’s partially true I suppose, but we can’t blame the pregnancy on all of our emotions. The reality is that many of the insecurities I’ve tried to bury or overcome since the onset of this illness have just resurfaced.

Sing me those blues:

1. Maybe you’ve gained a lot of weight during your pregnancy. Maybe your illness has flared up while pregnant. Maybe you’re wondering if you’re going to be an OK mom and worry that your chronic condition will get in the way of you properly taking care of your baby. Whatever it is that’s holding you down, don’t hold it in. Talk to your spouse, your mom, your best friend, or someone you’ve connected with that has your same illness. Often times just talking about it can relieve the burden of carrying such insecurities.
2. It’s OK to seek help, like professional help. If your depression has left you feeling utterly hopeless, talk to your doctor. Heck, talk to your doctor anyways! Let her know that you’re struggling with your emotions right now. Allow her to help guide you to a plan, whether that means medication, counseling, or just more frequent visits. This doesn’t make you crazy! It makes you human.
3. Something I’m really working on is positive self-talk. When I have a negative though about myself “I’m getting too fat.”, I make myself say 3 nice things about myself “I am loved, I am an overcomer, I can do this.” I really talk to myself a lot throughout the day. It’s not easy when you’re in that bitter place, but it’s so necessary! Try it!

Chronically Pregnant- Week 33

Thank God for these sweet ultrasounds that serve as a reminder as to why I was crazy enough to be pregnant in my 30’s and with a ridiculous medical condition. Just look at those adorable lips and cheeks! I can’t wait until the day I get kiss that beautiful face. About this time I’m feeling like a kid in the backseat of a car on a long road trip. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now?” I’m really trying to embrace the journey but I’m getting homesick! I’m ready to fit into shoes again (My feet are so swollen and I think I don’t have ankles anymore!), ready to reclaim some mobility, ready for the heartburn to be gone, and ready to maybe not have to sleep with 50 pillows to attempt an hour of comfort before having to get up to pee. Oh and let’s not forget that I’m totally ready to trade my 40oz of Whine for a nice glass of Wine.

I just looooovvveee (sense the sarcasm here) when people say “Must be nice to be in bed all day.” or my favorite, “This is the easy part. Just wait until the baby get’s here!.” Deep breaths Lisa, deep breaths. They know not what they speak of. It’s not like this is my first rodeo, people. This is baby #5 for me and let me tell ya, this has been the most challenging pregnancy yet. I know it’s going to be so very worth all of it when Baby Jax gets here but until then, you’ll hear me whine a bit.

While my body continues to fight me, I do get to enjoy things like watching my belly move when the baby has hiccups and feeling his kicks (unless he’s kicking my ribs or bladder. I’m not required to enjoy that). His sonogram photos make me long for the day I get to hold him and I even have this little wooden toy car that just always seems to make me so happy to look at. I love thinking about him playing with it someday. It’s the little things that help me to stay optimistic throughout all of the big things that threaten to dismember my sanity.

Thought for the day:

What are the “little things” that help you keep your sanity through your pregnancy?

Chronically Pregnant – Week 32

This is a photo of me at my baby shower! My beautiful friend Julie gave me the very sweetest baby shower I could have ever hoped for and it was a lovely time. (She also let me nap on her couch for an hour before the party so I could function through it. My friends know me so well!)

At this point I’m using my arm crutch full time and have resigned to using the super germy scooters at the grocery stores, if or when I even go. Mobility has become a HUGE problem and short distances leave me in severe pain and completely fatigued. Between this giant belly, my hips getting all loosey goosey in preparation for baby, and my spine and legs giving up hope on me, It’s just been an uphill battle. Let’s not leave out the fact that my nervous system is working overtime so the neuropathy and nerve pain is just ridiculous as all get out. “Oh Lisa, but what were you thinking getting pregnant when you already have a debilitating disease?!” (Anyone get asked that frequently?) I’ll take a pass on the judgment and I’ll tell you why!
Transverse Myelitis has stripped away so much from my life. It traps me at every corner and threatens to hold me under, but I’m not having it! I won’t allow TM to define me, to decide that I can’t do anything that is in my heart to do.
Despite all that my body is not able to do anymore, it still carried the ability to grow a miracle. As hard as this pregnancy has been, can you even begin to grasp what that feels like? My body has failed me on every level….but still….here we are. Baby Jaxson is growing and healthy. It’s beautiful beyond measure and I’m abuntantly Blessed. This blog doesn’t serve as a means for me to complain about my pregnancy, but I do think it’s important to impart the reality of what it may be like to go through pregnancy with a chronic illness. It’s a sacrifice. It’s going to hurt, it’s going to drain you, it’s going to require you to pull more strength from yourself than you ever thought possible and you know what? For me, it’s 100% worth it.

A few lessons I’ve taken from my journey so far:

1. Beware of the Judgment Zone – It may come from your parents, your friends, your in-laws, or even your own doctors. You are allowed to take a pass on the judgment. Until anyone has walked, tripped, or stumbled in your shoes, they may absolutely NOT pour their opinions about you becoming pregnant with a chronic illness into your life.
2. You can do this – I’m not some big bundle of strength. Many times throughout the week, I break down. I get tired of hurting, feeling helpless, and being overcome with guilt about this pregnancy and bringing a baby into this world when I already struggle as a parent. At the end of the day, I have to just remember that if my body wasn’t capable of handling this pregnancy, then it would have rejected it. I can do this. You can too.
3. Be nice to yourself – This one is the hardest. We are our own worst critics. Be nice to yourself. Thank God every day that your baby is healthy and your body is carrying on. Breathe deeply – Inhale the positive and exhale the negative. Focus on sending positive thoughts to yourself and your baby. Let the judgement of others be washed away by the support of your friends and family. ❤

Chronically Pregnant – Week 31

 

Who else here is driving their family crazy with nesting?! I know I am! I’ve become totally neurotic about my house being clean, everything being sanitized, and getting the nursery put together. I cried today because I didn’t have a diaper bag yet and, OMG! we MUST have a diaper bag! Lord, help my poor family right now. What makes it worse is I’m not mobile enough to do any of it on my own so now I’m like the evil queen who sits upon her throne of pillows and nags everyone to utter death about cleaning. “The house feels cluttered. The baby’s crib needs to be put together. What’s that on the floor?! Where’s the bleach!?!?!?” Ah yes, carefree Lisa has been taken over by Aliens… well, one tiny alien. I seriously don’t remember being this completely nuts with my other pregnancies, or maybe that’s something we are programmed to forget, like labor pain. Either way, the Roomba is on 24/7 and I’m panicking over dishes left in the sink.

I have not good advise for you Mammas this week. It is what it is. I think that my inability to take care of things on my own just makes me more crazy. Just be sure to say “sorry” and “thank you” and “I love you” A LOT to your poor, sweet family whom you are torturing right now. Maybe post the definition of “Nesting in Pregnancy” to your refrigerator as a reminder to your spouse and children that this really is temporary and that, soon enough, they’ll get their sweet wife/mom back so they don’t have you committed.

Chronically Pregnant – Week 30

I just have to take some time out to recognize my amazing support system. This is a pic of me at a team work event. I was nervous to even go but when I showed up, husbands were there to park my car for me and help me up the steps. My amazing girlfriends cleared off a space on a comfy couch and fed me and made sure I was comfortable.
Since on bed rest, my friends have set up a meal train for me and have fed our family, which is like feeding a small army. A couple of my girlfriends pitched in to have a housekeeper come to my casa once a week and clean. My kids have picked up additional chores and my sweetheart has been running kids around, coaching basketball and soccer, and picking up extra slack (including me when I can’t get up on my own) all while working and going to school full time.
My heart has been overflowing with gratitude. All of this for me and I have nothing to give in return except a depth of thanks I could never begin to express in words. My friends and family have been a monumental Blessing and I’m overwhelmed by the selflessness and love that have been extended. This is the truest love, Agape love, at it’s very essence. These beautiful and amazing people have sacrificed their own time and resources to extend their goodwill at every moment in this pregnancy. You know who you are and know that I love you so much, that this time will never be forgotten, and that you have impacted my life in such a way that will always be imprinted in my heart. Thank you for loving me, inspiring me, and encouraging me. Thank you uplifting me, for being a shoulder to cry on, for being my family. 

Chronically Pregnant – Week 29

Pelvic, freaking, girdle pain – Are you kidding me right now?! Not only do I have to deal with the rest of my body being dysfunctional but now I get to feel intense pain and pressure in my nether region for the rest of my pregnancy?! What is this nonsense? I didn’t have this with any of my other pregnancies. At any given time you may see me just walking around holding myself like a little kid who needs to pee real bad just trying to hoist up some of the pressure off my lady parts or rocking back and forth on my hands and knees like a birthing cow but we do what we have to do right!?
So, what is Pelvic Girdle Pain? Well, I hope that none of you EVER have to experience but since it’s apparently not terribly uncommon in pregnancy, we’ll chat about it. It’s an umbrella term used to describe pain in the hips and pubis. (Well duh). PGP can be caused when your, already semi-dysfunctional pre-pregnancy hips, are not well supported in pregnancy due to the release of the hormone Relaxin. (They should call it the “Not relaxed at all Hormone” ) While almost anything you do can make the pain worse (going from sitting to standing, turning over in bed, freaking sneezing the wrong way), I have found that it’s been difficult to treat. I’ve been to Physical Therapy and have tried other various methods to relieve the pressure, such as soaking in the tub or pool, and sitting on a donut pillow (mmmmmm donuts) but, for me, it’s just not been much help. I attribute that mostly to the fact that my core and my legs are already compromised due to Transverse Myelitis, and pelvic floor exercises are not quite adequate because of the atrophy I have.
Oh how I hate to sound like such a Debbie Downer about this but I felt it only fair to forewarn you that this very well be, yet another, issue you face during pregnancy. IF you come across this ridiculous burden, I pray that the following advisable steps to help alleviate the pain will be of much more help to you than to me.

Pelvic Girdle Pain Relief Suggestions:

1. Go to a Physical Therapist – Your PT specialist can show you exercises to help relieve the pain and also show you how to best protect your hips during your pregnancy.
2. Get in the water – A pool is ideal but if you don’t have access to one, then take a bath every day. It really can help to relieve pressure, and also gives you an excuse to relax!
3. Sit Wisely – Avoid hard surfaces (no shame in bringing a pillow to sit on!) and don’t sit for too long. I usually find that if I sit for longer than 20-30 minutes at a time, the pain gets worse. Even though the pain is really at it’s worst when I go from sitting to standing, I find that getting up and trying to walk around a bit helps.

Chronically Pregnant – Week 28

(Photo Creds to my 8 year old who was playing with my iPhone and got this photo)

I’d had this vacation planned for months before we actually went. We were going to Tennessee and, at the time that we had planned the trip, I was feeling pretty well. I wanted to take my kids to Dollywood, maybe catch a walk on a nature trail, and do all sorts of fun things. My body had different plans for me. By the time our vacation day had arrived, I’d been restricted to bed rest and even the idea of a road trip scared me because my body has been so unpredictable. Determined to go, even if it just meant me sitting in the cabin for days, we left. I carried with me guilt because I didn’t want to drag down the rest of my family and our good family friends that were vacationing with us.

It was that all to familiar feeling of “Great, once again this chronic illness is holding everyone back.” I knew it was the Transverse Myelitis and not just the pregnancy itself because with my four other (pre-TM) pregnancies, I was fully active right up until labor day. It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut, to feel sorry for myself, and to feel like I’m such a heavy burden on others. As always, everyone had to work around “Lisa’s issues.” That was my own insecurity speaking, of course, but it didn’t negate the fact that I felt fed up with my body and bad for my family.

As it turns out, being a big inconvenience to myself was exactly what I needed for that weekend. We arrived at our cabin and I was forced to sit; just sit and do nothing. My amazing friend and wonderful honey took the kids on all of the adventures I wasn’t able to go on. They rode roller coasters and stayed out late and had the best time. I didn’t feel guilty for long because I knew that if I had tried to go along with them, they wouldn’t have had the freedom to just be carefree and go on their terms. I spent the weekend, reading, sitting in the hot tub (Don’t freak out! I turned the temps way down as not to boil the baby so it was more like the “Lukewarm Tub.”) I didn’t feel obligated to do anything but rest and IT WAS AMAZING! I learned so much from this family vacation.

A few lessons this week:
1. Now is a great time for a weekend getaway. You don’t even have to leave the state! Go stay at a hotel in another town, or get a cabin! Whether you go with your children or just go with your significant other, go. Allow yourself to just do absolutely nothing for a couple of days. Allow your spouse to adventure with your children without feeling guilty for not trucking along.
2. Stop beating yourself up. We are the WORST about this aren’t we?! I mean, seriously, how much time do you spend wishing you were a better (fill in the blank). Everyone on our trip had a wonderful time. I loved getting to hear all the stories from everyone’s day and see the excitement in my kids’ eyes. I didn’t have to be right by their side to experience the joy of their vacation.
3. I needed the break. I didn’t even realize how badly I needed the break until I was there taking it. Give yourself a break from your physical and emotional self. It was good for me and good for the baby. When Mamma is less stressed, so is our little womb-mate.

Chronically Pregnant – Week 27

Oh the dreaded Glucose Tolerance Test… Making any pregnant woman fast for more than 30 minutes should be outlawed and viewed as just plain abusive. The things we do for our sweet babies, right?! I could swear they make these bottles bigger than they used to.

All sarcasm aside, I was actually a bit nervous about this test. While I’ve never had Gestational Diabetes in the past, I have been spilling a lot of glucose into my urine, I’ve gained 15 more pounds at week 27 than I had by week 38 with my other pregnancies, and I know the medications I take can cause an increased risk of GT. Hours after my test was completed, and I was feeling thoroughly sick, I got a call from the OB nurse. Her exact words, “I’m afraid you’ve failed your test. Well, let’s just face the facts, you completely bombed it!!!” That’s never a good thing to hear, right?

March forward a few days and I was back to fasting again, but this time for a 3 hour study. (SOOOO HUNGRY!!!!). In my mind I was already panicking and plotting. Insulin, sugar free food, 17lb babies, a diet of celery and rice cakes for the remainder of my pregnancy all where whirling through my anxiety-ridden mind. Of course, all of that is maybe slightly melodramatic, but really the though of no Dunkin Donuts is what really had me going.

Thankfully, I was one of the lucky ones who passed my 3 hour GTT. I cried, of course, because that’s what I always do now. I was thankful that I would not have to endure trying to battle Gestational Diabetes on top of the complications I already have with my existing chronic condition. This did, however, make me think very long and hard about my diet and some changes I need to make. (Yes, I know I’m beating a dead horse here. We’ve already talked about nutrition…but here are some additional changes I am making to help with Baby Jax and Mommy)

Amping Up the Preggo Diet:

1. WaterWaterWaterWaterWaterWater…. Yes, I already drink enough water to give competition to a camel but I’m adding more! (especially now that I’m having to take an extra iron tablet because I’ve developed anemia. Like I wasn’t constipated enough!)
2. Portion Control! As much as I want to feel justified for taking extra helpings on, it’s time to face reality… Baby Jaxson doesn’t need two platefuls of pasta.
3. I’ve traded my morning bowl of cereal for oatmeal. My midnight snack of whatever fancies me, I’ve traded for apples and peanut butter or a banana.

It’s still ok to have the occasional donut 😉

Chronically Pregnant – Week 26

I’ve spent a good majority of the last week sleeping. I find that I’m able to get up and be active in short spurts (and by short I mean 30 minutes max) but then it takes me two hours to recover. Blow drying my hair feels like running a marathon so enjoy the last picture you may ever see me with my hair not in a messy bun! I’ve learned to sit while I do anything and have even been faithfully using the store scooter if I have to go out. I’ve also learned of WalMart Pick Up!!! OMG ya’ll, I could have cried when I discovered I could do all of my grocery shopping online, go to the store, and have it all loaded into my car! I love Amazon Prime Pantry but that left me still going to the store for refridgerated items and produce. NOT ANYMORE!

I’m learning to adapt to my condition, as I always do. It’s not been easy but I’m still a fighter! I still want to take as much burden off of my family as possible during this time so I’ve learned to be creative. While I miss going to work at the Urgent Care, my bread and butter job I do from home. This I discovered after initial onset of TM but that’s a whole other story. I’m able to work from bed so that’s been amazing. I also invested in a heart rate monitor and pedometer so I can keep myself in check. I know I need to stay under “X” amount of steps per day as not to push my body too hard, but I also use it to make sure that I’m getting “X” amount of steps per day so I don’t start losing muscle tone.

Here are a few extra adaptions I’ve made that may help you too!

1. I make myself a check off list of what I’d like to get done in a day. This may include household chores, laundry, meal prep, running errands, etc. I make sure that all of my activity will last me no longer than 20-30 minutes at a time. For example, I break up housework over the course of a week. On Monday, I may commit to cleaning one bathroom, on Tuesday, I will mop the kitchen and entry way, on Wednesday, I’ll mop the living room and dining room, etc. I’ve also got kids to help with chores so this is a huge help and they’ve really stepped it up!
2. I only cook twice a week. I make big meals like stews or casseroles that can be spread out over 2 days. The rest of the days, we eat picnic style. While I LOVE to cook, I just don’t have the capacity to stand, or even sit, to prep meals multiple days a week.
3. So many things can be done from bed! The kids have learned to pile on in. Here we do homework, chat about their day, play board games (My 8 year old can school me in Mancala any day of the week), and braid hair. This allows me to spend quality time with my kids while exerting little energy.

What creative ways are you learning to adapt to your body’s needs? I’d love to hear!